I don't expect anyone to understand, but this has created a Crisis of Faith for me. David can't understand why I feel so wounded. I'm not sure either. Maybe because they told me on the worst day of my Dad's illness. I came home from church and cried because I felt like God was taking away my Dad and my Son all in the same day. Maybe it's because all I've wanted to do for years is make a difference using my skills and I had finally found a place I could do that. Webelos takes someone detail-oriented, passionate, and organized. I could actually do this calling and do it well. Or so I thought. But they released me. So I have pondered about whether God truly needs someone like me in his church. Does He truly want all people or just the nice ones? I don't feel I'm the typical Mormon woman. No one would ever use words like Sweet, Soft-spoken, or Loving when describing me. One of the women I consider a friend tells me often I'm reactive and that I scare people. And since I'm really not feeling God's love right now, I come back to my original question - is this church really for all types of people or just the good ones? I have to say that the Bishop we had a couple of years ago often said that church was a hospital for the sinners, not a sanctuary for the saints. And I believed him because he believed in the sinners as well as the saints. I'm still going to church because I love my kids, my husband, and my parents. My Mom and my husband have asked me to go, so I will go. I have been a member long enough to see the good fruits this church produces. As for my place here, well, I continue to wonder. I am trying to be a peacemaker now and it is working - at least at church. But inside, I feel like my weaknesses are great and never seem to decrease no matter how much I work on them. Instead, it feels more like I'm the one slowly fading until one day I'll simply cease to exist. And if I listen to what others keep telling me, that is the way God wants it.
7 years ago
You did a good job expressing your ideas and your turmoil. It is so hard to go through a crisis of faith. Anyone who is honest will say they have experienced one of those or MANY of those. I am just coming out of one that has been lingering on and off for a long time. Oh, to have the simple faith of a primary child again. But my testimony and reasons for being a member are more clear now. I also think I've gained more compassion for certain people and situations. I can tell you are a COMPASSIONATE woman and a PASSIONATE woman...of course those are awesome qualities that God needs in his church. I also think being a "good church woman" first means our love and service to family and also friends. I bet those people appreciate you!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts:
-I love that bishop who said the church is a hospital for the sinners. Beautiful! That takes some of the pressure off so we can be ourselves more and support each other more, rather than trying to portray this perfect facade which is NOT HELPFUL for ourselves or others. We can also be forgiving because we realize others (ward members, family members) are sinners and are trying their best just like us. Or Maybe they're depressed, maybe they are going through something really hard, maybe they are autistic, or have constant migraines...we don't know, so compassion is so important. I can't stand it when I make a mistake and I feel like someone is shaking their finger rather than HELPING me. I already know I am not perfect (at mothering or whatever) and I know I am making tons of mistakes. We all do that shaking finger thing at times. I want to be someone who helps and doesn't think to shake a finger.
-you are GOOD! I think the number one indicater of that is how you truly love your family. You love your husband, kids, and parents -- they are your FAVORITE people. That is where our love and service counts the most, and that's where God wants us the most.
-weaknesses are frustrating. I want to be the best mom, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law. I am so far from being what I want and it's SO NICE to hear someone else who is frustrated with their own weaknesses as well:). I have been reactive lately. I think it's a defensive thing for me or it comes out if I feel misunderstood. I've been working on that and likewise it doesn't seem to get better. But I haven't given up hope yet :).I think we just keep trying and plugging along and don't be TOO HARD on ourselves.
-who cares about callings :). Seriously, we can't control our callings anyway. The possibilities are endless for what we can do and why does it officially have to be in the church. I'll do what is asked of me in the church, and try to be worthy and ready for present and future callings. But I am not going to base my self-esteem on what I am called to do. Some of the people I admire the most have done amazing things that had nothing to do with the church officially!!! But I bet they found fulfillment just the same, and their hard work is a WONDERFUL offering to Heavenly Father. I had a professor in college who taught that a person who is really good at their professsion is in turn serving God. They are contributing. I know we still need to serve in callings in the church too, but I think we can broaden our definition of serving Heavenly Father and how we can fulfill that desire we feel so strongly. It's pretty exciting really when I think of all the possibilities.
-Lastly, I agree there is too stringint of a definition in society and church for what is "good" and what is "normal". Too often we see someone as being "weird" or "different" or too this or too that. Who made all these rules anyway? Reading your post makes me want to be more accepting of others and myself. Let's enjoy each other more rather than worry about what's okay or what's cool. Example: I hope Mark has good campanions on him mmission who are kind to him!
I hope your faith feels better soon :) and good luck with starting school. Those are really cute pictures from the fair!!